After sitting through the Golden Globe and Academy Awards, we’re awfully tired of all these award acceptance speeches. They weren’t exactly what one would call inspiring to begin with, but they’ve become so cliché. And, with the Life! Theater Awards around the corner, we thought we’d come up with a thank-you speech template to spice up these glorified pats on the back a little.

“Oh, my god! Oh, my god! I can’t believe... I mean, I never dreamed..! Who would’ve thought that my simple story about _________ (a. lesbians, b. poverty, c. poor lesbians) would affect so many people? I’m just so glad it did; that my message of __________ (a. female empowerment, b. freedom of speech, c. pointless artsy fartsiness) has struck such a chord among the _________ (a. young, b. heartlanders, c. clinically insane)!

So many people have made this triumph possible. First off, I’d like to thank _________ (a. God, b. my girl/boyfriend, c. my mountain of recreational drugs) for giving me the strength to get through my _________ (a. alcoholism, b. depression, c. fascination with eel porn). I wouldn’t even be here today without you! I’d also really like to give a big shout out to my _________ (a. family, b. friends, c. attention-seeking and insecure entourage of leeches), for just being there.

Most important of all, I want to dedicate this award to my biggest inspiration: _________ (a. my parents, b. my other nominees, c. Gurmit Singh).

I know, I know–I’m running over the time limit, but let me just say “thank you” to __________ (randomly throw in a bunch of names until you’re escorted off stage because at this point, who cares?)...”